on assorted






my just in case for my children

when you ever need me i am there
in you heart in your mind and in your soul
my love is all around you
surrounding you in my presence

forever i will be your mother even if my bodies not there
my heart my mind my soul shall be by your side
through all that you go through
for all that you need
remember that i am there

when you can not see
just close your eyes and you shall be with me

to know

to have the sentance written
to hang it over head
to know your life is worth less
than some hours spent in bed

to feel the walls cave in on you
to know that so few care
to know you have no rights to call
is more than most should bear

i know i have no right to anger
i know that gratitude should rule
but given presant circumstance
it makes me feel like a fool

russian ruellet played on reliance
no one can hope to win
for though theres some luck with you
that luck will soon wear thin

so where to now if all is lost
do i wail and bemoan
or do i simply go to sleep
in that which i called home

i have no wish to  wait for cancer
nor no no will to wait for painfull death
i think id rather have some fun
as i wait for my last breath

no guilt and no apoligy
it seems i am not worth
so why waste emotional torment
and cause others such great mirth

it feels like a conspirocy
for every where i turn
i know its simple parinoia
but still my fingers burn

nothing left with in my grasp
no hope left to bear
no one else to turn to
no one who really even cares

quick death left as the only hope
to die with in my sleep
before the cells all start to turn
and cancer starts to creep

obligation are fullfilled
for those i care are kept
nothing now to stop me
nothing left now for regret

the demons play

hot claws burst through bodily flesh
grasping with there burning touch
the devils turn to tourture you
caught with in its flaming clutch

twisting fingers probe the soul
searing scorching as they go
tearing nails reap pain to bear
crushing twisting every where

cancerouse relations

the last she gave him no respect just used him as a tool
talk to him and treated him as though he was a fool
an in built sitter and nothing more
a house maid there to fill a chore
no love no understanding shared
no looking after no single care
spoken down to trodden under
but now i know i begin to wonder
perhapes this is all he knows
all he understands or shows
he passed it on i begin to think
no wonder one of them had to drink
the only one shown just respect
was the one who now i do suspect
treated him back in the same way shown
with the lack of love that makes a home
that used him as he used her first
that gave him back his own out bursts
that looked on him as the fool he was
its all he understands because
he knows not love or merriment
he cares not about support or what it meant
does not care if theres a listening ear
all he understands is fear
‘the house not done i dont care why
i dont care that your tired or hurt or want to cry
i dont care that you tried so hard
i want it better or ill disgaurd
i dont care that you can not sleep
i dont care that you want to weep
i dont care if you hurt or toil
i dont care if your efforts i spoil
i dont care what i promised you”
“ did i say i didnt mind your lack of sleep?
did i say i didnt care a perfect house you couldnt keep?
did i say that i would be there for you?
to help your deppresion to see it through?
did i say that i would understand?
did i say that i would never lift a hand?
did i say i would love and cherish and keep?
did i say that i would hold you when you weep?”
“i lied ...for faults known prior to us ever meeting
for illnesses to exasperate there meaning
for new condition that helped drain the soul
a cancer eating for over two years takeing toll
deppresions grasp, insomnia”
not for any reason that you care
still instead of support complaints are rained
and yet my love it still remained
had i know perhapes i should
treated you as the last one would
it seems thats all you understand
an infant to emotion, devotion your not a man
you cant see love nor feel love nor happiness
no satisfaction no happy nest
all you can understand or feel true
is to be treated by others the same as you do
no love no care attempt to understand
berating you chastiseing you makeing you less of a man
demanding and useing,
complaining abuseing
perhapes had i treated you as the last you claimed did
had i not bothered to care for you or hear what you said
had i not tried to bolster you support you or listen
had i not been there for you had i been missing
perhapes then id have the respect of the last
instead of chastised cast aside dispised brutilized
all for simply loving you
and being myself who you always knew
up front honest you knew befor
my every problem my every flaw
and yet effort and deed were still not enough
when a new problem arose in my life its to much
despite lies that you showed to me
despite failings you never told me
despite poverty and your failing health
broken promises thinking first of yourself
despite constant critisisim, lack of thought or care
i was still by your side i was still there
you were treated with love you were treated with care
you knew your worries your upsets you could share
you knew the hardships id bear
with a smile to ease
but it was never enough i could never please
all you can see is the problems you always knew
you couldnt be bothered telling me the lump grew
it was to much trouble to help to engourage
even though you did have the knowledge
you were told how to bring me from out of the edge
to motivate me as i did to you
you knew
but yet you didnt care to try
instead berating demotivateing complaining
in the end its all that was remaining
instead of support through the pain and the fear
you thought once again of your self that is clear
when you went through the same i was there by your side
to listen to research to be there to confide
outburst and tempers all over looked
deppression supported your treatment i took
but when my turn arose through the pain i would wait
alone in my worry whilst you did berate
the dishes arnt done and suppers to late
you were worried about only your fate
no shoulder to cry on no sympathetic hand
your incapable of love your only half a man
you will end up lonely and misserable with no company
because its all you understand .. your own misery
you make no effort to care for another
you cant keep the love of a wife son daughter or brother
you turn all away
alone you will stay
with no regret, no remorse
no guilt of course
mr perfect in his perfect lonely world
still complaining bewailing
even though non remaining
still finding fault and seeing no good
still running from responsability
not admiting things he should
ageing ever faster with no one to care
as slowely people realise you have nothing but misery to share
i took a hen pecked husband thought i taught him how to be a man
i took a worm with little back bone taught him just how he could stand
a man so scared of being alone
and yet to selfish to dare to share
i took a shell and made him whole
brought back his health brought back his tone
replaced years of worn off confidance
replenished youth thats now lost since
but only to realise it had a blackend part
a selfish incapacity to feel love from the heart
i fell for the lies, didnt know all he cared
was for a spotless home no matter how i fared
illness injuery dissorder dispair didnt matter a bit
so long as he had what he wanted as and when he saw fit